10 dead giveaways you’re really not very posh, prole

Society

In the halycon days of golden Albion, the stoic visage of the nation were our noble aristocracy, while the multitudinous hoards of tarnished labourers turned the handles of mighty industry with quiet, invisible dignity.

Alas, modernité! Today, nouveau nouveau riche imposters swarm Kensington and Chelsea, donning the Barbour jackets and Hunter wellies of the upper class – with barely an acre of ancestral grouseland to their name. To help us navigate this topsy turvy Where’s Wally kingdom – we asked etiquette expert Dalton Piercy for his advice on spotting a social climbing commoner:

Listening to the shipping forecast

Gentlemen prefer to navigate primarily via the humours; navigational aids have been unfashionable since Viscount Bilsbury rejected the sextant in 1803. 

The Shipping Forecast is considered especially unsportsmanlike, and helming a pleasure craft into a tragic maritime disaster is practically a rite of passage for the upper crust.

Breathing through one’s nostrils

The truly posh breathe through the mouth. Air passing through the nostrils is viewed as unsanitary and vulgar, while mouth-breathing aerates the teeth and more efficiently ventilates acrid gases.

Nostrils may be used to vent smoke past dusk, especially when wearing a smoking jacket – even OG HRH King Charles has been seen using his nostrils at the occasional evening function.

Consuming herbs

The upper class consider flavoursome food to be gaudy and unwholesome, prefering a plain and practical diet. 

They subsist mostly on a paste of ground barley, usually fed through a tube directly into the stomach. For additional vitamins, they may consume a malty byproduct of ale production called “grusk”, which is usually smeared lightly onto the gums .

Wearing fine linens

The upper class abhor gentle, soft fabrics, and prefer rugged and sturdy garments

A horsehair cilice is favoured, providing continual mortification of the flesh. When worn from childhood, the cilice causes the development of a thick and gnarly hide.

Owning curtains 

A gentleman is not ashamed of his body, and prefers to roam his extensive grounds undressed. His sturdy figure should inspire fear and awe in the servant classes. Curtains are shunned, and windows are slightly convex, magnifying his noble frame to guests and onlookers.

Using decimal numbers

The Royal Family famously deny the existence of the metric system, and exclusively use fractions. For distances, the pre-imperial “creft” is preferred – roughly the length of three mature boar. Liquids are measured in “thumbs”, and mass is never acknowledged.

Integers are avoided, and multi-digit fractions are admired. Port, for example is usually served in 11/82 thumb carafes.  

Drinking water

Water is the lubricant of jobbing rustics – the posh prefer alcoholic drinks, which they usually call “quaffs”, never “booze”.

Scrumpy is drunk at breakfast, mead at lunch (brunch is always shunned – too American), bitter at supper and WooWoo over pudding. 

Alcoholic drinks are encouraged during pregnancy, school hours, and long drives. Temperance is looked upon as a lower class perversion, and even as a violation of natural law.


Little Lord Crumb apologises after ‘horrible’ Dixon’s Resort event

Culture

YouTube star Little Lord Crumb has apologised to his fans after a branded event underwhelmed and maimed swathes of ticket-cradling tweens.

Little Lord Crumb, whose real name is Little Lord Crisp, sports over 200 million subscribers on Youtube. On Monday, Little Lord Crumb emerged from his colossal alabaster ziggurat swaddled in an ermine cloak to deliver a statement engraved on two endangered owls:

“This event fell far below the quality which Da Crumb Crew have long been known for. The die is cast.”

Anyone impacted by the event was offered a brief but substantial apology and the opportunity to adore a photograph of his face for thirteen minutes.

“Reaction videos” on Youtube were relatively uncommon until Da Crumb Crew posted “Reacting to hitting our knees with spoons” in 2022

Advertised online as “The Definitive Immersive Little Lord Crumb Experience”, the eleven day event at the Trowbridge Dixon’s Resort was expected to include food, drinks and entertainment themed on the many beloved series produced by Da Crumb Crew, over which Little Lord Crumb presides as grand dragon. With tickets selling at £3,999 [R$29,861] a head, expectations were higher than crewmember Dizzee Egg in Little Lord Crumb’s 2019 video “Taping my mate to a big balloon and letting it go”.

In fact, there were signs from the start that the event might be more Little Lord Crummy than Little Lord Crumb![1] Exclusive Little Lord Crumb giftbags handed to attendees at the door by drones wearing 12ft tall papier-mâché Punch heads contained a small bag of chocolate stars and a note giving cryptic clues revealing when they would die.

The Dixon’s auditorium itself was sparsely decorated, and the walls and floors were painted in disorientating dazzle camouflage. All doorways took travellers to the wrong locations, and at the wrong times. Stairwells appeared normal but were non-orientable. Guests would often encounter chiral doppelgangers, otherwise identical other than a single distressing feature. These doppelgangers often tried to integrate, but were usually met with violent resistance from the self-professed “realies”.

Visitors who managed to climb up the Crumb Edifice after collecting the six artifacts in the four timelines were not obliterated as marketing materials had suggested, and instead found only a small plastic table with cold cocktail sausages, cheese sandwiches, and those pots of half coleslaw and half potato salad. All crisps were ready salted.

“I came here with my dad,” said Lindsay, attendee and frothing fan of Little Lord Crumb. “We’d been promised two single beds with an en suite, but we were instead taken to a liminal chamber of tubes. When I tried to complain I realised that I hadn’t been here the whole time, and I was standing outside of my childhood school, having aged twenty years.”

Guests who traversed this corridor were disappointed to find only store brand cola and a floating tetrahedron

Lindsay, who insists she used to be left-handed before the event, is not the only one to be more than a little let down by the experience. Trowbridge resident Richmal C posted on X, The Everything App, “Little Lord Crumb could at least come down here to sort this mess out. Not impressed!” Little Lord Crumb, posting from his official account, simply replied “SILENCE”, and Richmal was instantly rendered into a cloud of atoms.

Dixon’s Resort Trowbridge has removed the event from their website, but it keeps reappearing.

[1]Following fair and reasonable legal action from solicitors representing Little Lord Crumb and Da Crumb Crew, The Hillgrove Files has admitted to maliciously infringing on a registered trademark to construct this pun. This was wrong, and we are proud to have paid a fine of £15,000. This footnote serves to highlight this fact, as none of us know how to edit or delete an article following our technician taking long-term leave after contracting bone break fever.

‘Ratastrophe’ Strikes Infant Expo

The Gruntleigh Infant Expo was dramatically disrupted earlier today after a product demo for an experimental BebeSnooz sleep sack took a calamitous turn.

The nocturnal paraphernalia had generated more buzz than a trapped wasp ahead of the expo, toting a record-breaking thermal resistance rating of 10.8 gigatogs.

BebeSnooz Warmthologists were demonstrating the the high tech slumber garment with a Wistar Rat when disaster struck.

As the test rodent was placed in the sack, its body heat was retained at levels “pushing the limits of thermodynamics”, according to early incident reports, and onlookers were powerless to assist when the helpless animal combusted within a few seconds of entering the sleep sack.

As the Warmthologists attempted to unzip the clasps of the sleep sack, the device began to glow a dark shade of crimson – witnesses describe a harsh hissing as it started to burn a hole through the linoleum floor of the expo centre – physicists speculate that the rat had vaporised within the sleep sack and formed a superhot plasma not disimilar to the surface of the Sun.

‘Chippie’ has been awarded a posthumous medal for bravery

Hysteria erupted among the audience and dozens received minor injuries as gormless event stewards struggled to coordinate an orderly exfiltration.

The Bebesnooz Warmthologists declared a Level 8 Heat Incident and local Gold Command disaster managers were called to assume control of the site.

The sleep sack had now sunk deep into a well of molten linoleum and scree of unknown depth, and the decision was made to encase the expo centre in a kilometre-wide concrete sarcophagus to prevent damage to the surrounding area from the expulsion of highly acrid smoke.

The borough of Gruntleigh has been evacuated as a precautionary measure, and Cobra is considering a wider evacutation of The Midlands. BebeSnooz shares have risen by 23% in the wake of the incident.

Volatile, Colourless, and Pretty Hecking Epic: Dimethylmercury is Not Just a One Trick Pony!

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Some nerd once made a snapchat post saying dimethylmercury was lame: and you know what happened? Heh - let's just say, no one wants to play Fortnite duos with him any more!

Dimethylmercury can be purchased in 55 gallon drums from Heavy Sludge Industries on TikTok Shop.

Hero copper recognised for protection of rare mushroom

Bobby-on-the-beat Stephen Sarlac was presented with the Rutland Medal of Freedom today for defending a rare fungus from the talons of vile poachers in Bentley-le-Fenn.

Last October, Sarlac was dispatched to the ancestral estate of Baroness Le-Fenn after a groundskeeper spotted a group of dodgy-looking characters lurking near a contested footpath.

Arriving on the scene, Sarlac identified 63-year old poacher Martha Blurn and her two grandspawn, Kevin and Leona, foraging a cluster of uncommon Cairn Bolettes. A keen amateur mycologist – Sarlac recognised the valuable fungus, and was able to kill the three poachers with a gun before any theft could occur.

Baroness Le-Fenn publically thanked Sarlac for his brave efforts, and fetched a fair price for the Cairn Bolettes at auction the following day.

Glory for Oakham patissiers

Chain bakery Greggs has received official recognition today as its Oakham queue attained national heritage status.

The line of pastry-munchers has been in continual existence since September 1998, excluding a brief hiatus during the Great Deluge of 2003. The queue is generally acknowledged as the longest-lived in the UK, and the longest globally with a throughput of more than five customers per minute.

We spoke to local pudge Jonty Bass, who has spent over 3000 hours in the queue over the past year.

"There's always a festive, community feel in the queue", he told us, brushing a mighty shower of crumbs from his bib.

Bass collapsed dead shortly afterwards, but local bobbies kept the queue orderly while his remains were quietly relocated by local forklift operators Bunton and Sons Ltd.

Director Anthony Drain explains that one weird thing about new Steps film

90s popheads are champing at the bit in anticipation of the upcoming Steps premiere at the Nipp Kinodrome this Wednesday. We spoke to director Anthony Drain, asking how he came to direct the film.

"I knew them all at school. 'H' doesn't remember me at all though," Anthony told me. "He's actually called Ian Watkins. Neither of his names starts with 'H'. Everyone thought he was so great".

A typical musical biopic in many ways - Steps has caught the public eye for one very special reason – former Pontins Bluecoat "H" is depicted as a giant louse via the magic of CGI.

I asked if any of the other Steps stars were depicted as animals. "No," Anthony explained, "Only Ian is a louse."

Stock Market in Nosedive after Beloved Ape “Kicks” the “Bucket”

Markets

Markets across Rutland and the Greater Whoft area have dropped tens of percentage points following the death of Teepee, Lipton Crumb Industrial Concern’s famous Bwindi gorilla.

Teepee, who had been alive for 14 years before not being alive now, was a familiar sight in the offices of Lipton Crumb, a company which operates an index of the 50 most least-unprofitable companies in the county.

In a sad sight far from her heyday of making nests from shredded documents and violently striking employees who startled her, the beloved massive ape slipped away peacefully after drinking a large bottle of printing toner, briefly convulsing, and crawling into the corner to slowly die.

Teepee was found when markets opened the next day, her body stiffened and toppled over by rigor mortis, wedging open the door to the stock room, and providing convenient access for a Staples delivery. Her final act, one of kindness? If you ask Grant Sheldon, floor manager, there was no ape kinder.

But we won’t ask Grant, because trading floors around Whoft would soon be reeling from the tragic news. Before Lipton analysts had time to carefully formulate a plan to break the news without provoking a bear market, Local grass Simon Kendall spunked the proverbial when he published this post on his personal webforum:

so sad to hear about your death, Teepee. I do hope nothing bad happens to Lipton Crumb’s market capital!!! XD

Kendall now lingers in swotter’s jail on a ten-stretch.

Experts are not sure how much toner a gorilla would naturally consume in the wild, but agree it is likely less than 100ml a day

Swathes of investors, losing all confidence in the indexing ability of company that couldn’t even stop an ape from dying, began to pull their money from several major mutual and exchange-traded funds, which had until now traded on the success of The LCInc.

In a desperate attempt to claw back investment, Lipton Crumb commissioned The Jim Henson Company to fabricate a life-sized mechanised muppet of Teepee, which was to be erected at the entrance to the offices to assuage the panic and “bring her peaceful aura back from the grave”. Due to a clerical error, the puppet ended up being 30ft tall and could only express “mournful” and “pained” expressions. Delivered and installed in the lobby by Chinook, the animatronic was found to be blocking several fire exits and required unreasonable amounts of kerosene to operate, and the building was subsequently condemned.

Unfortunately, none of this helped.

By this morning, LCInc has dropped 7598 points, representing more than half of its market capital. Several top players in the index have been hit especially hard, with Saddiq’s Brown Rums and darling of the Silcon Fen iBootScrapr currently fending off the bailifs with improvised polearms and cauldrons of hot lead.

The decreased confidence has also left other markets reeling, with the PigSmash and Sludges indices down 605 and 102 points respectively. PTSlimeInc has remained bullish, however, reflecting the popularity of goo and slime as a hedge against market uncertainty.

Lipton Crumb remains optimistic, expecting the market to recover within two to three working decades, and has ritualistically burned their CFO in a wicker photocopier.

Local firm fined after record phlogiston leak

Primordial Terrestrial Slime Inc. has been slammed with a £240,000 fine after a poorly sealed alembic released almost 400 cubic yards of phlogiston into the atmosphere.

Phlogiston, a substance vented by rusting and burning materials, is usually absorbed and ventilated by the air. High concentrations can cause this air to become “phlogisticated”, rendering vital devices like retorts, pyres and sublimation pots completely inoperable.

The company, which manufactures a range of panaceae and topical anodynes, made a self-referral to Snuntbridge council in 2020 when the extent of the leak came to light.

“Although we pride ourselves on our robust safety standards, it’s fair to say we missed the mark this time,” said site manager Hermes Pottle.

“We have since applied fresh beeswax and rose water to all affected vessels, and the chemist responsible has been sealed in an oubliette until further notice.”

Netizens say 'Awooga!' as handsome man arrested

Brett Chiltern, handsome accussee

'The internets' got a little hot under the collar on Thursday night after a handsome man was arrested in North Trowbridge. Online denizens melted after mugshots of noted hunk Brett Chiltern were released by North Rutland Constabulary.

But experts have questioned whether such a man could be responsible for the accused acts. Skullologist Simon Brick has advised Rutland police that Chiltern's "rugged bone structure" was "fundamentally incompatible with the accused

acts", adding: "frankly I doubt anyone that handsome would be interested in committing a crime".

Mr Chiltern has a robust jawline that invites comparison to an early career Marlon Brando. His subtle smile is vigorous and commanding; his brisk eyes gently caress the viewer with a controlled but violent sensitivity. His strong, broad chest implies an animal strength kept barely encaged behind the damascus steel bars of his masculine composure. His strong, firm hands invite imaginings of dark, sensual encounters, and his muscular, rippling legs appear besculpted by artisans of old.

Rutland Borstal has been bombarded with calls from members of the public regarding the possibility of conjugal visits - and not all of them came from the Hillgrove Files office!!

Chiltern was arrested and charged with four counts of murder late on Thursday afternoon.

Mob Piru Bloods take West Oakham in by-election upset

Politics

Local politicos frothed into a feverish panic last night as the shock results blasted in: the Mob Piru Bloods had won the hotly contested seat in the West Oakham by-election by a margin of less than 600 votes.

Incumbent Conservative MP Miggs Saintwell-Barthes was filled with furious anger as the results were announced, after pencil-wielding citizens voted in the Mob Piru Bloods’ outsider candidate Quintavius “NekBone” Devine as their new parliamentary representative.

Hillgrove Files E-Fit of a ballot box used in the by-election

Nekbone’s victory makes West Oakham only the second seat to be won by an American street gang after the Southside Crips took Sheffield Hallam in 1998.

Some local commentators have credited the result to falling approval ratings of the incumbent Tory MP. Tensions have brewed in recent months after Saintwell-Bartes failed to deliver on his election pledge of an Oakham ‘SkyCity’ – which my mate Wes down the pub reckons lost the former MP “millions” of votes. It was promised that the hovering infrastructure project would bring thousands of jobs to the wider Oakham metropolitan area, but hopes were quashed last year when boffins dismissed the proposals as “physically impossible” and “genuinely thick”.

Voters were also impressed by the Mob Piru Bloods’ no-nonsense stance on crime – Nekbone pledged that he would personally protect local businesses for only a nominal monthly fee, and his policies on snitches really resonated with floating voters. No-one likes a grass.

Devine contemplates local environmental policies as he poses for a snap in San Quentin, California

Nekbone was packing a Glock 19 as he took to the mic at the hustings to lay down a savage freestyle laced with profane braggadocio, playful wordplay targeting rival candidates and some stuff about slinging crack. The mood among Oakham residents today is jubilant, with Nekbone’s colourful entourage of street hustlers, steel-eyed enforcers and straight-up OGs already becoming a familiar sight on street corners around the town – we at the Files wish him many happy returns.

Nitric acid to be added to milk to help prevent nitric acid deficiency

Health

Milk products in the UK are to be fortified with nitric acid after an NHS study concluded that most Britons include “little or no nitric acid” in their diet, the health minister announced today.

Nitric acid has long been recognised as a key source of nitre, a mineral found in nature. According to a recent study carried out by The Craig Charles Memorial University, the average UK adult consumes less than 300ml of nitric acid a week.

Despite occasional and often overblown depictions of individuals overdosing on powerful acids often portrayed in the media, self-enlightened holistic nutritionist and healthcare consultant Granada Masenko believes that the risk of deficiency far outweighs the possibility of your chest cavity melting like a mars bar under a hot horse.

“Until the 20th century, noxious rendering chemicals were seen as a bit of a cultural bogeyman, and very rarely featured in our recipe books – presumably because they weren’t woke enough” said Masenko.

The colour green has long been associated with good health

“Fast forward to the present day, and we’re finally starting to really challenge that status quo. Popular shows such as Jamie’s Bleach Bonanza and Come Dine on Tinctures of Borax with Me and are pushing back against these baseless preconceptions, and we’re now finding that the dividends in public health are really starting to pay off.”

The dividends that Masenko speaks of are compelling proof of the value of increasing our acid intake. Transport for London has seen strike action reduce by two thirds after replacing staff room sugar sachets with pellets of benzoic acid, rendering staff too “fulfilled” to complain or leave the ICU.

“Most people aren’t even aware that their own DNA is an acid,” continued Masenko, quaffing a red smokey liquid from a big volumetric flask and rubbing her tummy. “So if you don’t eat enough, what’s going to happen to you? Eh? Thicky? God you’re thick.”

Following a grass roots campaign by Masenko and DuPont Heavy Sludge Industries, health minister Leslie Fripp, emotionally and very much physically beaten and bruised, announced this morning that every litre of milk produced domestically must now contain 100 centilitres of nitric acid.

We at The Files ask – why not more?

Experience: I died at a Chumbawumba Concert, and made a friend for life

“There never was much live music to see in Stevenage”, Kevin tells me.

So Kevin was delighted when he heard that the Stevenage Corn Exchange would be playing host to one of Lancashire’s brightest stars – Chumbawumba.

The gig would turn out to be a resounding success – “The crowd were having a great time – echoing the lyrics to ‘Amnesia’ and ‘Enough is Enough’ like demented parrots.”

But the moment Kevin would never forget was the band’s encore, when they returned for a furious performance of their biggest hit – “Tubthumping”.

“The crowd went ballistic,” Kevin tells me – that’s when his fateful accident occurred. While vocalist Allan “Boff” Whalley crooned, the surging crowd knocked over a vast Inflatable Tube Man, and Kevin was knocked unconscious to the ground.

Kevin had suffered massive head trauma from the “surprisingly heavy” Inflatable Tube Man, and was attended to by members of St John’s Ambulance. Tragically, they were all off their heads on mandy, so Kevin didn’t receive the vital quality care he required.

5 minutes later, Kevin was declared biologically dead.

Kevin has found a new lust for life since his miracle recovery

For most, that would have been it – but luckily for Kevin, Doctor of Chiropracty Jean Luc Lundgren was present that day, and conducted a three-point spinal adjustment that saved Kevin’s life.

Jean Luc kindly stuck by Kevin throughout his extensive physiotherapy, acting as his interpreter for our interview today.

Kevin suffered some very serious consequences after the accident – unable to walk, talk or breath from that point onwards. His heart no longer beats, and he has no measurable neurological activity, but he’s thankful to have survived. Before Jean Luc dragged him off, he shared a poignant thought – “Without Jean Luc I simply wouldn’t be here”.

Taylor Swift Concludes Tour with Surprise Collaboration with TV’s Badger – No Sign of Bodger

Culture

Swifties, come to roost! Taylor “The Fury” Swift has shocked fans at the Leyworth YMCA with a poptastic collab with television’s Badger, starlet of hit 90’s cultural touchstone Bodger and Badger.

The end of Swift’s billion dollar Eras Tour was always going to be mega emotional, but Badger’s surprise arrival after the conclusion of the Chipsticks and Frazzles Era set list left not a dry eye in the house!

Badger, 32, M, strutted onstage with the haughty panache of a young Audrey Hepburn, dressed in a flowing corduroy wedding gown fresh from the Met Gala. He was also totally rocking a top hat he made himself with sticky tape and an old toilet roll tube.

The crowd went absolutely bananas! Or should I say, mashed potatoes! Badger, famous for his love of mashed potatoes, which is why that joke was funny, sexily walked over to Swift and snatched the microphone out of her hands!

Of course, this was all part of the act, so security was right to not get involved. After a quick spin, Badger began by singing a breathy cover of To Cure a Weakling Child, while Swift took a well-deserved breather sitting on an as yet unnamed roadie. At the emotional peak of the song, Badger retrieved a wooden spoon from a specially-made sequin spoon pouch and bonked Swift repeatedly on the head, which left not a dry eye in the house!

Badger has been off the mash since featuring on Paul McKenna’s “Smoke Yourself Handsome”

After a quick costume change and some hearty linseed loaf, the superduo leapt into a spirited rendition of Elgar’s Jerusalem. Badger got a bit mixed up on the second verse and they had to start again a few times, but that’s okay!

The concert, which was due to end at 11 that evening, was eventually forced to come to a close at about 8am when the badminton lessons were due to start because they needed the big room. An emotional Badger blew kisses to the crowd and walked towards the back. A rude man in the front row shouted “where’s Bodger?”, and Badger bit him very hard on the knee. Swift had left several hours previously, and was later photographed looking a bit tired without full make up through the window of her tour van. Sort yourself out, love!

The performance had left not a dry eye in the house, and the throbbing crowd were baying for more Badger. Will we see him and Taylor take the stage by storm again? Well, let’s just say a little birdy posted on her official tour blog that we should “wait and see!”

Badger is classified as least concern on the IUCN Red List, as he has a wide range and a large, stable population size which is thought to be increasing in some regions.

How to sort out our broken education system? Just apply a little common sense.

Opinion

It’s a damning fact that children receiving free school meals in Rutland have repeatedly seen poorer educational and life outcomes – fewer graduate their local comp with more than 5 A-C grades, fewer go on to higher education, and fewer go on to earn above the national average.

That’s why I’m proposing a permanent ban on free school meals.

Why do free school meals have this insidious effect on children? It’s simply common sense – they’re a recipe for lazy, bone idle complacency. Each unearned spoonful of lugubrious mashed potato or forkful of turkey dinosaur that enters a young child’s mouth means another handout from Big Nanny State down the line. For today’s entitled youngsters: there IS such a thing as a free lunch!! – why toil under the yoke of the baking Rutland sun when one can simply lounge into a government-funded feed shed and enjoy a royal feast at Johnny Tax-Payers’ expense?

Entitled luvvies…

While we can’t yet control what goes on at home with liberal Mum and effete Dad, drunk on socialist champagne and bunging the ductile heads of their spawn with woke nonsense, we can instil the hapless youth, on our state-owned premises, with a hard lesson in the value of rigorous labour.

No lunch for you today little “Avocado” – your parents were too WORK-SHY to purchase one – maybe you’ll grow up to be more like little Nigel’s parents: proud of their country, suspicious of wokerati doublethink, and not terrified of a little elbow grease.

Can you put a price on quality journelism?

An appeal

Dearest reader,

In this crazy, crazy world of news we live in, who’s to know what’s true(s) any more? Here at The Hillgrove Files, getting to the bottom of a story is our number one goal, even though copy and pasting Quora articles is so much easier and honestly who’s actually going to know. But to maintain the standard of quality you’ve all put up with over the past few years, we need your help.

You might think that running an online news platform is just bits and bytes, tippy tapping on a keyboard and putting a quid in the meter at New Years, but you’d be completely wrong and very stupid. Our outgoings in the last financial lunar month were just over £140,000 – the equivalent of more than 26,415 Gordon Ramsey brand Fresh Frozen Chicken Pot Pies – and we’re one of the lucky ones!

Writers at The Sun have recently been told that they must supply their own balls to use in their ballpoint pens, and directors at The Guardian have been forced to merge their Software Development and Louse Dipping departments to cut costs, both to surprising success.

The reasons for this penny-pinching are myriad and nuanced and can hardly be explained away as simply as saying “well maybe you shouldn’t have panic bought twenty-seven thousand pies before the work social.”

Your cash money money means we can bring you more of the stories YOU want to read. When The Daily Telegraph were breaking the Panama Papers scandal, which plucky online news outlet which rhymes with “Bill Hove’s biles” was the first to run a companion piece explaining where Panama was? And who can forget the Leamington Spa Shrinking Shortbread Scandal of 2006, an exposé spearheaded by our own Blimpkin Fax while under political exile in the Malian embassy in London after falsely accusing his local MP of stealing his gas?

The fact is, we need your support to survive. Every reader who electronically mails our site administrator with a digital cheque for 300 e-Pounds pays for almost three whole paragraphs of edge-of-your-seat news action. Donate within the next 8 hours and receive a free pie.

Mixed blessings for birders as bitterns seen at Rutland Water for first time in 79 years, die instantly

Local news

Ornithologists rejoiced today when bitterns were spotted at Rutland Water for the first time in nearly a century.

Five of the plucky wading birds were released by the Oakham Wildlife Cabal, who sourced them from a Poundbury-based heron factory. A spokesperson for the OWC described their condition as “worn”.

Disappointingly, four of the unleashed fowl succumbed to natural causes minutes later after landing in a stream of hot effluent.

The passing of the final bittern was confirmed hours later by local mudlarks, who recovered it from a raft of preloved ringpulls. The scavengers described the remains as “a source of precious protein”.

OWC kaiser Martin Mill remains zealous in his plans to repopulate the troubled reservoir: “I’ve already ordered twenty more”.

Botaurus stellaris – nice but fragile

Citizens bid fond farewell to 'beloved' Nipp Rat King

Nipp rat king 'Big Lesley' was found dead last night in their home in Nipp, North Rutland at age unknown.

Lesley was described by locals as a 'tangled medley of confused and anxious rodents'.

Discovered three years ago by local nutter Saul Barrow, Lesley has been witnessed by local children ever since.

Lesley passed away peacefully after being smashed by a collapsed stack of newspapers. They are survived by 3-400 pups.

Hogham Buriers advert. All items buried, no questions asked.

Mayor Unapologetic after Fae Creature Shoe Curse Scandal

Newville mayor Tim Bucksfizz courts controversy once again after offending a woodland sprite and having his feet bewitched for the third time this election cycle.

Bucksfizz, appearing barefoot outside his country manor, dismissed any suggestion that this enchantment would have any negative impact on his ability to serve the public.

“If the people need me, I’m there,” he said, “unless they’re at the end of a gravel driveway or on a pebble beach.”

Oldest Watermill in Lincolnshire "Under Threat" after being Totally Destroyed in Massive Explosion

A leading historian at the College of Brumby says she is "concerned" by corroborated reports that Johnstone Mill has been completely obliterated in a "freak howitzer incident", but stressed that she and her team have a plan to preserve the building "before it's too late".

Dr Lindsay Crip has already outlined a letter to her local MP, and met with local experts to investigate a period-correct limewash recipe.

Nichael Ringroad MP Launches Latest Volley in “War” on “Woke” with Massive Coal Lattice

He’s warmly recalled for his proposals to ban the teaching of Arabic numerals in schools, move job centres offshore, and remove the EU from English maps – but this week, Nichael Ringroad MP is launching his cleverest assault on the so-called ‘Woke’ yet, with the opening of the North-North-West Rutland Massive Coal Lattice (NNWRMCL).

Ringroad has been agitating do-gooders and bleeding heart vegans ever since his fortuitous election as MP for North-North-West Rutland in 1992. A brave man, Ringroad is proud of his strongly held Christian values, and of banning the poor and lame from Oakham Town centre. 

Nichael Ringroad MP chained to an obelisk in a protest against female pilots in 1994
Ringroad chained to an obelisk in a protest against female pilots in 1994

Ringroad is a catechizer, a querier and an inquirer. A questioner: unafraid of upsetting the delicate temperaments of the ‘usual suspects’. He received barrages of flak from the liberal gutterpress last year during his star-crossed legal battle to send an asylum seeker to the moon. But the crusader has forged on with a renewed line of duty, and is quietly confident that his latest riposte will thrust his Dagger of Truth into the heart of Wokeness once and for all, stabbing and stabbing until the thrashing stops.

What is the North-North-West Rutland Massive Coal Lattice, ye may ask? A fine question, and one that Ringroad’s robust secretary is all too happy to answer. “You bore a bunch of tunnels in a big grid, and suck out all the coal you find. Hollow it out like an ants nest.” A fine woman – the chutzpah of Angela Rippon with the sheer va va voom of Nigella Lawson. 

“Most intriguing”, I observe. “That must bring a lot of jobs to the area.”

“Oh yes, several,” she informs me, after bringing me a cup of Yorkshire Gold tea and an especially good malted milk.

More importantly, the Lattice gives Ringroad a chance to thumb his nose at the liberal intelligentsia, who despise the mighty chimneys of more industrious men and want to fill the countryside with a bunch of windmills.

The NNWRMCL slag heap and visitor centre
Fewer than four SSSIs were bulldozed to house the NNWRMCL slag heap and visitor centre

The Lattice is a joint venture between Russian energy giant Gazprom and the Chinese consortium Shenzhen Heavy Industries, a deal Ringroad celebrated with a lap around the local Green Party office in his new Aston DB9.

Ringroad waves off environmental concerns raised by lefties with ‘alternative lifestyles’. “They have too much time on their hands”, he said.