Local firm fined after record phlogiston leak
Primordial Terrestrial Slime Inc. has been slammed with a £240,000 fine after a poorly sealed alembic released almost 400 cubic yards of phlogiston into the atmosphere.
Phlogiston, a substance vented by rusting and burning materials, is usually absorbed and ventilated by the air. High concentrations can cause this air to become “phlogisticated”, rendering vital devices like retorts, pyres and sublimation pots completely inoperable.
The company, which manufactures a range of panaceae and topical anodynes, made a self-referral to Snuntbridge council in 2020 when the extent of the leak came to light.
“Although we pride ourselves on our robust safety standards, it’s fair to say we missed the mark this time,” said site manager Hermes Pottle.
“We have since applied fresh beeswax and rose water to all affected vessels, and the chemist responsible has been sealed in an oubliette until further notice.”
Netizens say 'Awooga!' as handsome man arrested
'The internets' got a little hot under the collar on Thursday night after a handsome man was arrested in North Trowbridge. Online denizens melted after mugshots of noted hunk Brett Chiltern were released by North Rutland Constabulary.
But experts have questioned whether such a man could be responsible for the accused acts. Skullologist Simon Brick has advised Rutland police that Chiltern's "rugged bone structure" was "fundamentally incompatible with the accused
acts", adding: "frankly I doubt anyone that handsome would be interested in committing a crime".
Mr Chiltern has a robust jawline that invites comparison to an early career Marlon Brando. His subtle smile is vigorous and commanding; his brisk eyes gently caress the viewer with a controlled but violent sensitivity. His strong, broad chest implies an animal strength kept barely encaged behind the damascus steel bars of his masculine composure. His strong, firm hands invite imaginings of dark, sensual encounters, and his muscular, rippling legs appear besculpted by artisans of old.
Rutland Borstal has been bombarded with calls from members of the public regarding the possibility of conjugal visits - and not all of them came from the Hillgrove Files office!!
Chiltern was arrested and charged with four counts of murder late on Thursday afternoon.