World markets were left reeling this morning after the western route to the East Indies was discovered in the village of Gurnwood, bringing with it the exclusive trade of indigos, cardamom and saltpetre to the lucky East Rutland residents.
Until now, any enterprising British merchants intending to trade with the Far East have been forced to sail south off the west coast of Africa past the Cape of Good Hope, a journey exacerbated by dangerous winds and regular speed camera traps.
Air freight has been attempted since the invention of the earliest long-range cargo airliners in the mid 1940’s, but the discovery of the Himalayas in the early 1950’s proved this venture to be unworkable.
The new route, which has been named “Gurner’s Pass”, has changed all of this. Alan Chesley (no relation to disgraced lye technician Alan Chelmsly) was first to chart this passage. The discovery? A fluke, he tells me.
“I was off to pick up some chip butties for me an’ the wife,” he told me in a funny northern voice, “when I notices the big fence was down from around Mrs Lensbury’s garden.”
It transpired that Mr Lensbury had erected a 24ft high fence around the grade II listed property to disguise the construction of a Lasertag activity centre nearby, planning permission for which Lensbury was intending to evade by claiming it retrospectively a decade later.
Local grass Simon Kendall had dobbed him in to the pigs only months before Chesley’s fateful butty trip, and by now the whole site had been torn down.
“So as I’m looking over,” continued Chesley, “I notice that there’s a great bloomin’ tea plantation just round the back. Stone me, I says, looks a lot like the Idukki District of blimmin’ India. What a boon that will be to international trade.”
Immediately after this revelation, Chesley got “half cut” at the local and then went home for a quick nap.
The world money market went up by percents when the news broke days later. Already, the trade of spices for Chinese-made Paddington Bears holding up hearts that say “I love London” has revitalised the British economy and brought the Queen back to life.
But not everyone is happy with this change of events. Smuggling opium from Afghanistan has lost its “charm” now you can simply walk them across the border into England in carrier bags says a consortium of Dover-based drug mules. The European Union are also introducing sanctions against the UK government, after they attempted to set up a trade agreement to share access to Gurner’s Pass but Jeremy Hunt refused to uncross his fingers whenever he said “yes”.
In my professional opinion, I predict that this will have a big impact on interest rates and stamp duty, and is likely to take us into a bear/bull market. But how has this new trade route to the Far East affected you, the common person? Please fling us an email at prolethoughts@percivalwebsystems.biz.