Animated movie fans, rejoice! This latest instalment in the multi-award-winning Ice Age treads frosty new ground, as Manny the mammoth and his wacky herd have to navigate through a treacherous tar pit to reach the Fertile Plains in time to celebrate Thanksgiving!

After Steve Martino stepped away from the directors chair following a horrific chalk incident, Hollywood up-and-comer Alejandro Jodorowsky swept in to take the reins from the struggling Blue Sky Studios, and he’s already made a Jurassic impact!

The original film script, reported to have been a “more traditional” story, focused on sabretooth tiger Diego failing to handle the stress of his approaching Bar exam, while still trying to be supportive of his friend Sid the sloth’s new keto diet, which had been recommended by his GP in an attempt to force his type-2 diabetes into remission.

Friction between the veteran script writers and Jodorowsky’s self-professed desire to “bring the series back to its roots” pushed back the release date by another two years, as consultant script writer Dick Thornburgh was brought in to see the new director’s vision through to the silver screen – and luckily, before the next Ice Age [not the film]!

Grown-ups in the audience might notice a small shift in the colour grading by the second half of the movie, but other than that the reshoots are barely any different from the content in the press-release long edit shown to The Files last July.

The plot is a fairly basic affair compared to earlier instalments, but warm with sincerity, like a nice pie on a cold winter evening. Gruff, no-nonsense mammoth veteran Manny shocks the rest of the gang when he announces that he never has anything to be thankful for, and that everyone should be thankful for him. An outraged Sid believes that Manny has no idea how lucky he is, and during their migration to the opulent “fertile plains” to escape the thawing ice, he plans an event as big as an asteroid – a celebration of giving thanks!

We see different sides to all of the main characters, revealing their true colours and bravery as they help their friends on their dangerous trip, including a close call avalanche in a mountain path, and a spooky encounter in a forest of giant bats!

Eventually, the herd reaches a vast tar pit, where an arrogant Manny drives headfirst into a sticky mess! The third and final act of the film is a bold, unflinching single shot of Manny writhing and screaming as he sinks deeper and deeper into the scalding tar, veteran voice actor Ray Romano audibly tearing his vocal cords as he gradually shifts from eloquent, enunciated pleading and begging to primal gurgling and screaming, as God pulls the curtain back until the anthropomorphic charade is stripped away, laying bare only a confused, suffering animal. We beg for it to end, but when it does, the fade out shows no credits; just dead eyes in a black mirror looking back at us.

Ice Age 14 will be playing three times a day at the South Rutland Cinescreen from the 4th of April, just in time for the school holidays! Come on down – you’ve got snow business missing out!

A chill March wind scours Framlingham village green as I observe a line of locals gather around the coconut shy. I look pitifully upon a row of dry, hollow husks, devoid of life – evolved for tropical climes but stuck here beneath a dull Arctic breeze instead; an embarrassment to their ancestors. Also, there are coconuts.

I’ve been sent by the Files to review this desolate affair. Dreary people gather around dreary stalls to whittle away an hour or so of their dreary lives. The leaflet promised ‘family fun’, but there is none to be seen in this wretched place.

A few of the stalls offer provincial English treats – marmalades, ‘artisanal’ breads, cured meats. Half as delicious and four times as expensive as those offered by your local Tesco.

To excite the proles the fete masterminds have contrived various ways to disguise degenerate gambling as a wholesome jape: guess the beans in the jar, take a punt on the creaking tombola. Gather round children, and give us your money. You’ll get nothing in return, or maybe an out-of-date jar of honey if you’re lucky. Welcome to the real world.

To make things worse a gaggle of Morris dancers have turned up. I’m sure their gaudy dance is in some way racist but I don’t want to waste my time figuring out why.

Here’s one of them now – Ken Chesley, village councillor. Probably a tory.

“It’s wonderful to see all the community get together for a day like this”, he lies. The only light flickering within his black, porcine eyes is hatred – hatred for poor people, some of whom had the cheek to turn up today in their second-hand George rags.

I’m told there’ll be a bonfire tonight – hopefully I’ll be strapped to it.

The Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi announced yesterday that the national curriculum would be updated to label frogs, newts and salamanders as “honestly really not that important in the grand scheme of things”.

In a surprise press statement, a visibly sweating and trembling Zahawi stood in silence for over a minute in front of the podium, before launching into a long and rambling tirade about various species of amphi­bians.

“What do they actually do?” asked Zahawi, pausing briefly to punch the wall behind him.

“Every year, we expect our wonderful, hard-working teaching staff to perpetuate this idea, this lie, that the ongoing loss of some gay salamanders or a golden bumhole frog is something worthy of our time or energy to fix.

“Why are we teaching children to feel guilty about a supposed crisis that not only they have no control over, but indeed is something they should be supporting?”

Why are we teaching children to feel guilty about a supposed crisis that not only they have no control over, but indeed is something they should be supporting?

Nadhim Zahawi

He went on: “I do not want to kill a frog. If I ever see a frog in the wild I’m not filled with murderous rage. I simply regard it with quiet contempt, and resign myself to the fact that my day is now ruined. And we, as a country, need to stop this cycle of telling our children that anyone actually likes them.”

After questioning, Zahawi made clear that this did not include toads, which he stated were “actually pretty alright”. Sofia Quaglia of The Guardian criticised Zahawi’s clari­fica­tion, claiming that there was “no real scientific distinction between frogs and toads”, whereupon the minister threw a stapler in her direction, inflicting a head wound which required stitches.

Social media response to the statement has so far been mixed. Naturalist and veteran television presenter Sir David Attenborough was one of the first to comment on the situation on his personal Twitter account, writing “he’s got a point? lol I dk haters gonna h8”. The revised syllabus is expected to reach the classroom in the September term.