Markets across Rutland and the Greater Whoft area have dropped tens of percentage points following the death of Teepee, Lipton Crumb Industrial Concern’s famous Bwindi gorilla.

Teepee, who had been alive for 14 years before not being alive now, was a familiar sight in the offices of Lipton Crumb, a company which operates an index of the 50 most least-unprofitable companies in the county.

In a sad sight far from her heyday of making nests from shredded documents and violently striking employees who startled her, the beloved massive ape slipped away peacefully after drinking a large bottle of printing toner, briefly convulsing, and crawling into the corner to slowly die.

Teepee was found when markets opened the next day, her body stiffened and toppled over by rigor mortis, wedging open the door to the stock room, and providing convenient access for a Staples delivery. Her final act, one of kindness? If you ask Grant Sheldon, floor manager, there was no ape kinder.

But we won’t ask Grant, because trading floors around Whoft would soon be reeling from the tragic news. Before Lipton analysts had time to carefully formulate a plan to break the news without provoking a bear market, Local grass Simon Kendall spunked the proverbial when he published this post on his personal webforum:

so sad to hear about your death, Teepee. I do hope nothing bad happens to Lipton Crumb’s market capital!!! XD

Kendall now lingers in swotter’s jail on a ten-stretch.

Swathes of investors, losing all confidence in the indexing ability of company that couldn’t even stop an ape from dying, began to pull their money from several major mutual and exchange-traded funds, which had until now traded on the success of The LCInc.

In a desperate attempt to claw back investment, Lipton Crumb commissioned The Jim Henson Company to fabricate a life-sized mechanised muppet of Teepee, which was to be erected at the entrance to the offices to assuage the panic and “bring her peaceful aura back from the grave”. Due to a clerical error, the puppet ended up being 30ft tall and could only express “mournful” and “pained” expressions. Delivered and installed in the lobby by Chinook, the animatronic was found to be blocking several fire exits and required unreasonable amounts of kerosene to operate, and the building was subsequently condemned.

Unfortunately, none of this helped.

The LCInc has dropped 7598 points, losing more than half of its market capital. Several top players in the index have been hit especially hard, with Saddiq’s Brown Rums and darling of the Silcon Fen iBootScrapr currently fending off the bailifs with improvised polearms and cauldrons of hot lead.

The decreased confidence has also left other markets reeling, with the PigSmash and Sludges indices down 605 and 102 points respectively. PTSlimeInc has remained bullish, however, reflecting the popularity of goo and slime as a hedge against market uncertainty.

Lipton Crumb remains optimistic, expecting the market to recover within two to three working decades, and has ritualistically burned their CFO in a wicker photocopier.