Elon Musk. He’s been called “the world’s wackiest billionaire”, “the funny meme man CEO” and “the enfant terrible of child cobalt mining”. But who is Elon really? What makes him tick? And will he autograph my copy of Atlas Shrugged?

All these questions and more I hoped to answer while attending his latest publicity stunt. Posing as a respected journalist from the New York Times, I’d wrangled an invite to his latest product launch at a Tesla cobalt mine in the Central African Republic.

Elon was there to show off his latest innovation in cobalt mining – a child-sized pod fitted with various gadgets and gizmos. The concept began its life with Elon’s heroic child submarine – designed to rescue some children in China or something. After his innovation was cruelly rejected by the local authorities, Musk went back to the drawing board, like Tony Stark from the 2008 film Iron Man, portrayed by Robert Downey Jr.

Musk cleverly adapted his tiny pods to the work of underground mining – they would increase efficiency fivefold and allow Musk to fit four times as many child workers into his mine.

“What do you say to claims that using child workers in your cobalt mines is unethical?” asked some loonie leftie hack from The Guardian.

“That question is boring. BORING,” replied Musk, cleverly, before making a fart noise with his mouth. We ALL laughed, as the joke was VERY funny.

Another journalist asked what political party Musk supported. “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative,” Musk replied, while kicking an awful and smelly poor person to death.

I put my hand up and Musk pointed at me. Talk about the electricity going through you! “Mr Musk,” I asked, trembling, “What’s your favourite number?” He smirked at me, then coolly replied “Sixty nine, four twenty!” We all burst into uproarious applause, delighted by his witty remark.

After the interview session, the pinko Guardianista was handed over to a local militia, and the rest of us headed to the after-party. Elon attended with his latest love-interest – a hologram of Japanese virtual idol Hatsune Miku dressed as Harley Quinn. He delighted us with some off-colour anecdotes about union-busting and spent two hours reciting the entire John Galt monologue. But all good things must come to an end, and inevitably, the evening had to draw to a close. Musk was flown back to his San Francisco compound.

I felt great inner turmoil – blessed at having met the cleverest man who ever lived, but miserable that life may never again be so sweet. I sat and pondered; what’s next for Elon? Solving world hunger? Setting up a moon colony? A sleek fire extinguisher for his cars? Whatever he puts his mind to – I’ll be making a preorder!