Waterfoul? Waterfine more like it! RSPB CeX, the first reservoir and bird reserve to be established in 390 separate high street tech shops, has smashed all conservation targets while also providing precious drinking water to parched data centres in the Greater Pascoe area.
The endeavour was first dreamt up by Pascoe MP Afton Clovis, who has came under fire throughout his political career after greenlighting several large-scale projects that threatened water security in his constituency. Clovis personally approved Jacob’s Disposal Site D, which dumps uneaten salted cream crackers directly into the Rutland aquifer, and rejected all opposition from what he called “troglodite NIMBYs” when he broke ground on the Magniflux Server Farm, a thirsty 16 acre megafacility which exclusively renders footage of twerking Minions.
These questionable choices came to a head during the 2023 Rutland Heatwave, when dangerously low water levels in Pascoe lead to a hose pipe ban, then a tap ban, and finally a ban on wringing the sweat out of gym towels, in an attempt to make every drop last. Even Pascoe’s much lauded and world-first estuary reservoir, conceived by Clovis and constructed in secret as a “surprise”, was confirmed months later to be nothing more than a very efficient mechanism for dumping fresh water into the sea.
With a recall referendum on the horizon, Clovis found the solution in a familiar place: the Playstation 2 aisle in his local branch of CeX. This prime real estate lay effectively abandoned, save a few ancient copies of Eyetoy: Groove and the tie-in game from that film with all the penguins in it. Three cubic metres of water could be stored here, while inconveniencing literally no one – scaled up to nearly 400 branches of CeX, the total amount of potential water reserves would be impossible to calculate.
A pilot scheme was put into place to flood the defunct gaming aisles of three different CeX stores. There was no time to waste, so floor managers were not be informed. Water had to be poured carefully to prevent any spilling into the nearby World Cinema and PSP sections and risk splashing the strange men who stand there all day, but soon the retail reservoir network was taking shape. The project was quickly scaled up across the country, and within weeks the drought-ridden Pascoe hit the headlines as the nations moistest city, with Clovis lording their water reserves over local municipalities like a capricious baron.
Though not part of the original scope of the project, these micro reservoirs soon played host to a multitude of diverse and threatened species, which would sneak in through the fire door whenever someone was putting the bins out at closing time, or going ham on a vape.
The growing ecological role of the reservoir came under threat in 2024 when CeX bigwigs announced plans to fill all Playstation 2 shelving with Funko Pops, a series of highly coveted and valuable figurines; a worrying prospect, considering that every single branch now sheltered at least three guillemot nests and a harbour porpoise.
The previously indifferent Clovis was finally stirred to act after a tragic incident in the Maidstone branch, where an unemployed man waded through the water to grab a near mint Kawaii Morbius effigy, flattening an otter.
Following an Oxford-rules fist fight between various heritage and conservation agencies, a representative from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds claimed the prize, and an act of parliament would swiftly bring the Retail Reservoir Network under the umbrella of the RSPB as RSPB CeX.
And the rest, they say, is history. Most of us have forgotten what it was like to step into a CeX store without carefully stepping past a crowd of twitchers fawning over a heron, and catching sight of cow-eyed youngsters catching buckets of natterjack toads and dragonfly nymphs. And as for those pesky droughts? Well, let’s just say this miracle reservoir is no mirage!
C.E.X. Limited is to enter receivership later this week, citing nationwide issues with rising damp and crayfish getting stuck in the tills.