The Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi announced yesterday that the national curriculum would be updated to label frogs, newts and salamanders as “honestly really not that important in the grand scheme of things”.
In a surprise press statement, a visibly sweating and trembling Zahawi stood in silence for over a minute in front of the podium, before launching into a long and rambling tirade about various species of amphibians.
“What do they actually do?” asked Zahawi, pausing briefly to punch the wall behind him.
“Every year, we expect our wonderful, hard-working teaching staff to perpetuate this idea, this lie, that the ongoing loss of some gay salamanders or a golden bumhole frog is something worthy of our time or energy to fix.
“Why are we teaching children to feel guilty about a supposed crisis that not only they have no control over, but indeed is something they should be supporting?”
Why are we teaching children to feel guilty about a supposed crisis that not only they have no control over, but indeed is something they should be supporting?
Nadhim Zahawi
He went on: “I do not want to kill a frog. If I ever see a frog in the wild I’m not filled with murderous rage. I simply regard it with quiet contempt, and resign myself to the fact that my day is now ruined. And we, as a country, need to stop this cycle of telling our children that anyone actually likes them.”
After questioning, Zahawi made clear that this did not include toads, which he stated were “actually pretty alright”. Sofia Quaglia of The Guardian criticised Zahawi’s clarification, claiming that there was “no real scientific distinction between frogs and toads”, whereupon the minister threw a stapler in her direction, inflicting a head wound which required stitches.
Social media response to the statement has so far been mixed. Naturalist and veteran television presenter Sir David Attenborough was one of the first to comment on the situation on his personal Twitter account, writing “he’s got a point? lol I dk haters gonna h8”. The revised syllabus is expected to reach the classroom in the September term.